My Diagnosis

I went to the psychiatrist today for my three month medication management check in. Today started like any other day. Tossing and turning all night, anxious about going to see her. I woke up this morning, pressed snooze eight times. Finally, I made it out of bed and into the bathroom. I got in the shower and just stood there. Staring blankly at the ceiling for what seemed like an hour, whilst the scolding hot water, pelted my skin. I took my sweet time getting ready.

When I got there, my anxiety really kicked in. I showed up early (of course), waited in the parking lot and tried to do some deep breathing before my world completely fell apart. She asked me how I was, I reported having better days. She seemed sympathetic. When I sat down in the chair and she asked me to elaborate, I kind of broke down. Upset with myself and how things were going. My mood swings, anxiety, and depression had certainly gotten the best of me, I told her.

That’s when she asked about my mood swings. The duration, the severity, the content. I explained as best I could and that’s when she told me. I believe you are experiencing these mood swings and feelings because you are suffering from Bipolar II Disorder. My heart dropped to my feet. It felt as though I’d been stabbed in the stomach. She reassured me everything would settle out and she’d adjust my medication to better suit my symptoms. But that’s not what I was worried about…

6 thoughts on “My Diagnosis

  1. I have bipolar 1 disorder. Sorry to hear about the diagnosis.. but don’t let it put limitations on what you are capable of. Some of the most brilliant and creative people the world has ever seen have had similar diagnoses. It’s a gift and a curse, and I truly mean that. I hope you get the support you need and that you can ride the tides. If you ever need to chat with someone with tons of mental health experience.. professional and personal, I am around. Cheers.

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    1. It wasn’t really what I was expecting to hear. I had my suspicions. I too work in mental health and i guess it hit me hard once I was told for certain. Thank you for reading, for your feedback and your support. It really means so much. ❤️

      Liked by 1 person

  2. No need to strap on a label “Bipolar Disorder” and call it a life! Personally, I prefer “neurodivergent” as it reminds me to take action. If I don’t take action daily, I diverge and no longer can share the usefulness of my gift 🙂

    But, it wasn’t always like that. A part of me liked the label of Bipolar Disorder. The description alone had a built in excuse. “I have a “disorder” please take pity on me, I don’t need to (fill in the blank) today, I have a “disorder” and…blah, blah blah, etc., etc., etc.

    You have a gift! Most likely, you are highly intelligent, extremely creative, unusually empathetic and resilient beyond measure. This doesn’t make you special. These are just the gifts that you were born with and the world awaits your unique contributions.

    As for the action part, I have put in the time to educate myself on the “divergent” dimension. I have a doctor who knows (this is important) what “Bipolar Disorder” is and what treatment protocol prevents recurrence. I take lithium daily, exercise, eat healthy and stay mindful of my sleep requirements. And then, I do my small part to help make the world a better place.

    Yikes, that was a long comment 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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